Thursday, September 16, 2010

Having said that...

When you get down to it, this phrase barely makes any sense at all. Having said that....read on.

This phrase occurs when someone wants to make a point stand out in their conversation. for example: "It is getting cold outside; having said that, you should put on a jacket." For some reason the people who use this phrase believe the listener suffers from extreme short-term memory loss. I seriously just heard you say "It is getting cold outside" it is the last thing you said. I didn't forget that you said its cold, heck i can feel it getting cold myself. The urgency of wearing a jacket does not increase when this phrase is used. Just say this aloud: "It is getting cold outside, you should put on a jacket." not only is this faster to say, but it artificially, and ironicly creates a higher sense of urgency with its short prose.

So there is no real reason to use this phrase at all. Having said that...

Monday, July 26, 2010

SATURDAY COMICS

I Don't Get It...

Marmaduke:

He's too big for something, or he is pretending/wants to be a human

Zits:

A day in the life of a hunch-back lolly-gagger who has a messy room, over-bearing parents stuck in a different time and has loser friends.

Blondie:

Bumstead wants a nap, but can't find the time to do it between eating and being late for work

Garfield:

Someone either is miserable with their life or someone gets food on them

Hagar the Horrible:

An incopentant commander with an even more incompetant sidekick. They all wear funny hats.

Family Circus:

This comic revolves around a bunch of kids who are either adorably naive, or incredibly stupid. It probably has something to do with religion tucked in there too.

Hi and Lois:

November to March: the kids dream about summer activities while being stuck in the house for some reason
March to October: the kids dream about summer activities while being stuck in the house for some reason (the little one does something cute)

Retail:

Cooper hates his job and does anything to avoid his duties that to this day remain unknown. He also tries to hook up with girls, and like all cliche' comics, fails.

Beetle Bailey:

See Hagar the Horrible.

Shermans Lagoon:

A bunch of sea creatures the bite humans and think its funny. For some reason the turtle can read.

Friday, July 23, 2010

THE SIGN SAYS "BUSSES ONLY"

Thank you, but I'd rather stand.

Riding on busses nearly everyday gets a bit tedious. The hard, uncomfortable seats seem to mock me as if to say "you can stand...or you can sit on the hardest substance known to mankind that resembles a seat". Or something like that. While making a comfortable seat is beyond the mental capacity of transit designers (these fat cats never ride on the TTC so they don't know), this minor discomfort can be forgiven, since the option to stand is sadly more often the better choice. And standing sucks. Yet still, on a "full" bus, there are more people standing than sitting. Hence the "move back" signs placed at eye level. The older style subways have comfy bench seats which can easily be used on busses instead of the seats currently used. Not only will more people sit and be comfortable, but there will be more standing room too.

Paradoxes confuse me.

If we want to move faster on city streets, we need more congestion. TTC busses always have to stop for cars. This slows down routes often making busses 5 or even 10 minutes late. The old solution was "meh". My solution is to make the far right lane of all streets a "busses only" lane. This will force all the cars into 1 or 2 lanes creating conjestion. This allows a bus to just whizz by, getting people where they need to go faster. The drivers, seeing this shocking display of efficiency, will think about maybe taking transit next time. It's like sitting in a traffic jam on the highway and seeing a car go by in the HOV (or car pool) lane. Now don't get me wrong, this will never happen. There would be the need for more busses to make this lane worthwhile, which at last check cost half a million each. Plus there is already a war with cars and bikers, we don't need one with cars and busses. But it would be nice to cruise past a line of cars and be the first in line to get the newest Apple gadget.

Sorry, the nearest washroom is..

It didn't occur to me at first, but on one long ride on the TTC, I felt the need to look at the subway map. It was an eye opener. Only 18 of the 70 or so stops are accessible to people needing wheelchairs, and that of these 70 stops, only 6 have public washrooms. So if you're on the bloor line and the need of nature hits, you're out of luck. You should have used the washroom before you had to go... Getting back to the accessibility issues with the TTC, there isn't any excuse why there shouldn't be a least one elevator at every subway stop. While the newest sheppard line does have this for the most part, the older lines lack this basic necessity. Putting in these elevators will actually increase TTC ridership, reducing the need for WheelTrans. This will also reduce greenhouse gas emissions. You might say "the WheelTrans operators will lose their jobs". Well I say, train them on a bus. We need them.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

THE SUBWAY

Turnstiles.

People who think they are hurdlers in track and field jump over them to avoid a $3.00 subway fare. Understandably, the face-paced lifestyle of the turnstile guard prevents him or her from getting off their cushy chair to stop the thug(s). This is most evident at the Scarborough Town Centre RT stop. It is not so much as the dude getting away from paying the $3.00 that bothers me. It’s the fact that they bud the line, and go straight for the token/metro pass express line, in front of me!. Sometimes I wish I could do that to avoid the fare. But then again, I did already pay for my metro pass. My solution to this growing annoyance is to eliminate the turnstiles altogether, and impose a vigilante pilot project. Whenever a thug is stopped by a fellow rider, that person gets free transit for a month, and the thug has to foot the bill. Outrageous maybe, but if there is 30 or 40 people in the station at least one or two would get the inclination to chase and claim a reward; and perhaps a potential beat-down opposed to a half arsed “hey pay your fare” would sway anyone from leaping this hurdle.

Sunglasses on the Subway.

There is a growing subculture of these people that continues to intrigue me. While wearing sunglasses outside is a great idea, I promise to you that there is no UV radiation in an underground tunnel surrounded by concrete. Unless you so happen to be sensitive to the light and you actually require sunglasses indoors for medical reasons, you do not look cool-you look like a total douchbag. Why don’t you just pop that collar, wear an ill-fitting shirt, and end it. Seriously this has got to stop. The only place you should be wearing sunglasses indoors is if you are trying them on or you are in a neon-sign store. With the latter being a rare occurrence, save yourself the embarrassment and take off those glasses buddy.

Stickers and Labels.

Another (trendy?) annoyance is the hat people. You know, the ones who keep factory stickers on their hats. I’m talking about those gold and black stickers on the brim that advertise the hat size. The irony is, I can actually determine the size of your head and then understand why you think you look cool with that sticker on. The bigger the head, the bigger the ego I guess. I once was able to experience the pleasure of such a fool who was in a hat store and was pegged for stealing a hat that he was wearing. I don’t blame the store keep- I mean wearing a hat with a factory sticker on and walking into a hat store is just looking for trouble. He got to keep his hat by the way, via the fact he could yell and knew more swear combinations. I guess what I’m trying to say is that we don’t need to know the size of your head, and that I don’t understand why you just threw down $40 bucks or more for that hat; only to leave it covered with a 2 cent sticker.

Everyone’s a DJ.

People ask me why I sold my IPod. The real reason is why did I buy one? When you enter the TTC, you’re guaranteed to enjoy all the music you want. Either by someone blasting their ears with music levels comparable to an F-17 fighter jet taking off, or to the very obnoxious (and piss poor quality I might add) phone speaker. Although there is not much in the way of choice, you can still sit back (or stand) and listen to some tunes to pass the time. What ever happened to the “personal” in “personal music player.” We don’t want to hear your loud top-40 tunes. We hear it enough on the drive to the bloody subway in the first place. I had the pleasure of visiting Vancouver, and was surprised when I saw a sign in the transit system that explicitly stated “no loud music”. I agree. Not only is it rude to blast music, it makes you unapproachable. Not because of your rudeness, but because your music sucks. I want to start a trust fund for these DJs. The poor Toronto blokes spent too much on their music blasters to be able to afford $1.00 headphones. Next time I’m at the dollar store, ill be sure to pick up a couple.